Selling Crack as it Pertains to Advertising

Money makes the world go round, this we know is pretty fucking obvious. Also, in times like this, you'd better agree pimpin' certainly aint easy. I often ponder how other business people like myself make it to the top...

Take for example, the Facebook dudes. Apparently one of the creators based his entire business principle on a rap song: the late, great Biggie's 'The 10 Crack Commandments'. I was inspired by this, especially since I'm feeling particularly notorious these days. I did an intense google, but could not find anything to back up the anecdote but hey, you believe me right? The internet doesn't lie.

So while those FB guys are probably sitting on a couch made of naked ladies, eating dodo egg scramble, smoking gold laced antarctic hash, I'm sitting here listening to Life After Death wearing this tee-shirt.

Even though it's a song about drugs, you'd be surprised the cryptic advice Biggie provides. If you boil it down, I think he was just a poet with really screwed up metaphors. So behold! My attempt to interpret the song and relate it to the world of advertising. Please forgive my white-girl ignorance.

1. Never let no one know how much dough you hold cause you know the cheddar breed jealousy especially if that man fucked up, get your ass stuck up.

Don't let your clients, boss, employees or friends know your $$ situation. Clients will try to rip you off, bosses will assume you can survive without that raise, your employees can get greedy, your friends might get jealous... the list goes on. The richest guy I ever met drove a Corolla.

2. Never let 'em know your next move, don't you know bad boys move in silence or violence take it from your highness, I done squeezed mad clips at these cats for they bricks and chips.

There are always people out there trying to 'borrow' your ideas. Have you found a niche market? Go it alone before your competition sets up shop across the street. Otherwise you may need to do a 'lil drive by...

3. Never trust nobody. Your moms'll set that ass up, properly gassed up hoodie to mask up, shit, for that fast buck she be layin in the bushes to light that ass up.

I don't think your mom will ever step up on your shit in advertising, but almost everyone else is suspect. I mean, this is an industry of borrowing - ideas, techniques, strategy, pitch styles, dog & pony shows... Only share what you're ready to see in someone else's meeting.

4. Never get high on your own supply.

Outsource your important internal projects. You'll read the label wrong from inside the bottle.

5. Never sell no crack where you rest at. I don't care if they want an ounce, tell em bounce.

Not sure, but could this mean keep business and pleasure separate? Can't say I've ever dated anyone I work with, but from the stories I hear from my friends at Saatchi, it's a double edged sword.

6. That God damn credit, dead it. You think a crackhead payin you back, shit forget it.

Make sure you keep track of invoicing. Is your client's NET 60 days or are they just shitty? I'm going to go with shitty.

7. Keep your family and business completely separated. Money and blood don't mix like two dicks and no bitch, find yourself in serious shit.

Hmmm, I question this one, since a juicy contra deal with my brother has just cropped up. Any suggestions loyal followers?

8. Never keep no weight on you. Them cats that squeeze your guns can hold jobs too.

Since in advertising, your 'merchandise' isn't tangible, this one isn't too much of a worry. Maybe just invest in a sweet paper shredder, firewall, and server protection.

9. If you aint gettin bags stay the fuck from police. If niggaz think you snitchin aint tryin listen. They be sittin in your kitchen, waitin to start hittin.

Um, uh, what? Does this one mean that other drug dealers will try to kill you if they suspect you're a snitch? Hmmmm my advice: don't gossip in the office - it's petty, pointless and shows just how much integrity you have. Just do your job and do it well.

10. A strong word called consignment, strictly for live men, not for freshmen. If you aint got the clientele say hell no cause they gon want they money rain, sleet, hail, snow.

Just because you work on Madison Avenue with the big chochkeys, you're no Don Draper. Don't buy a loft with wall-to-wall marble until your office looks twice as luxurious. Tomorrow you could find yourself laid off...dreaming up your own agency...

THATS IT!!!!

Perhaps it's time I applied some rules to my business (website coming soon!) just like the Facebook dudes. I hope Biggie has helped you on your merry way. So blast 'The 10 Crack Commandments' every morning for a little gangster direction. I already do.

Don't Neglect Your Woody

I feel terrible for neglecting Woody. And my blog for that matter! Unngh! Book reports are time consuming! As for the Woody, I'm talking about Woody Allen, so get your mind out of the gutter! One of my forever favourite books, Without Feathers, has been enough Woody to get me through the last 24 years but all euphemisms aside, I'm now yearning for more. Reading that is. C'mon guys...

Many years ago, this little yellow collection of stories was acquired by non recollectable means. (yes, I realize that's not a word but this writer doesn't give a care. Blogs have no rules, ok?) It is quite possible I accidentally stole this book from a friend, so for that I apologize. Can I repay you with contra?

After a quick (2 month) re-read , I've fallen back into a little fantasy. If by chance someday we meet, I firmly believe Mr. Allen and I would instantly become really, REALLY good friends. We'd be @replying photos of lazy dog bike-carriages every five minutes. I base this fantasy largely on a quote from the essay entitled 'On Frugality':

"Money is not everything, but it is better than having one's health. After all, one cannot go into a butcher shop and tell the butcher, 'Look at my great suntan, and besides I never catch colds,' and expect him to hand over any merchandise. (Unless, of course, the butcher is an idiot.)"

As writers, Woody and I both know that being self-employed is UNREAL although the health plan sucks. And by health plan, I mean eating Kraft Dinner at 5am hoping cancer doesn't strike before some agency is BRILLIANT enough to put me on salary. But of course the upside, we're both devilishly handsome on account of all the long walks, sunshine and lurrrve. I mean, look at the guy. If my husband looks that suave when we're all gray and wrinkled, I'll be one happy granny. (Aside, I'll likely be wearing the same style of clothes as I do now.)

In conclusion, rainbows don't pay the bills, but staying up all night drinking champagne, listening to Shadow Dancer with a certain someone, and watching Annie Hall is my definition of a life well-lived. Now I must get back to the neglecting other things. I leave you with a few favourite quotes & bite sized pieces of hilarious, food, folklore that's sprinkled with dry conversation topics.

• Using verbs like, "stymied"
• References to drowning a dwarf in gravy
• Decorating an apartment on a ventriloquist's salary
• Death
• More death
• Allusion to his agoraphobia & claustrophobia
• According to Woody, in folklore, when Loki attempts to locate the Snoll's graveyard he instead "chances upon some Rhine maidens bathing and somehow winds up with trichinosis"
• "The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion."
• "The magician said that in order to learn that trick, one must journey to the four corners of the earth, but that one should go in the off-season, as three of the corners are usually booked."
• "Actually, it was not so much the politics as the poetry of Marxist theory that got him. He was positive that collectivization could work if everyone would learn the lyrics to "Rag Mop."