Selling Crack as it Pertains to Advertising

Money makes the world go round, this we know is pretty fucking obvious. Also, in times like this, you'd better agree pimpin' certainly aint easy. I often ponder how other business people like myself make it to the top...

Take for example, the Facebook dudes. Apparently one of the creators based his entire business principle on a rap song: the late, great Biggie's 'The 10 Crack Commandments'. I was inspired by this, especially since I'm feeling particularly notorious these days. I did an intense google, but could not find anything to back up the anecdote but hey, you believe me right? The internet doesn't lie.

So while those FB guys are probably sitting on a couch made of naked ladies, eating dodo egg scramble, smoking gold laced antarctic hash, I'm sitting here listening to Life After Death wearing this tee-shirt.

Even though it's a song about drugs, you'd be surprised the cryptic advice Biggie provides. If you boil it down, I think he was just a poet with really screwed up metaphors. So behold! My attempt to interpret the song and relate it to the world of advertising. Please forgive my white-girl ignorance.

1. Never let no one know how much dough you hold cause you know the cheddar breed jealousy especially if that man fucked up, get your ass stuck up.

Don't let your clients, boss, employees or friends know your $$ situation. Clients will try to rip you off, bosses will assume you can survive without that raise, your employees can get greedy, your friends might get jealous... the list goes on. The richest guy I ever met drove a Corolla.

2. Never let 'em know your next move, don't you know bad boys move in silence or violence take it from your highness, I done squeezed mad clips at these cats for they bricks and chips.

There are always people out there trying to 'borrow' your ideas. Have you found a niche market? Go it alone before your competition sets up shop across the street. Otherwise you may need to do a 'lil drive by...

3. Never trust nobody. Your moms'll set that ass up, properly gassed up hoodie to mask up, shit, for that fast buck she be layin in the bushes to light that ass up.

I don't think your mom will ever step up on your shit in advertising, but almost everyone else is suspect. I mean, this is an industry of borrowing - ideas, techniques, strategy, pitch styles, dog & pony shows... Only share what you're ready to see in someone else's meeting.

4. Never get high on your own supply.

Outsource your important internal projects. You'll read the label wrong from inside the bottle.

5. Never sell no crack where you rest at. I don't care if they want an ounce, tell em bounce.

Not sure, but could this mean keep business and pleasure separate? Can't say I've ever dated anyone I work with, but from the stories I hear from my friends at Saatchi, it's a double edged sword.

6. That God damn credit, dead it. You think a crackhead payin you back, shit forget it.

Make sure you keep track of invoicing. Is your client's NET 60 days or are they just shitty? I'm going to go with shitty.

7. Keep your family and business completely separated. Money and blood don't mix like two dicks and no bitch, find yourself in serious shit.

Hmmm, I question this one, since a juicy contra deal with my brother has just cropped up. Any suggestions loyal followers?

8. Never keep no weight on you. Them cats that squeeze your guns can hold jobs too.

Since in advertising, your 'merchandise' isn't tangible, this one isn't too much of a worry. Maybe just invest in a sweet paper shredder, firewall, and server protection.

9. If you aint gettin bags stay the fuck from police. If niggaz think you snitchin aint tryin listen. They be sittin in your kitchen, waitin to start hittin.

Um, uh, what? Does this one mean that other drug dealers will try to kill you if they suspect you're a snitch? Hmmmm my advice: don't gossip in the office - it's petty, pointless and shows just how much integrity you have. Just do your job and do it well.

10. A strong word called consignment, strictly for live men, not for freshmen. If you aint got the clientele say hell no cause they gon want they money rain, sleet, hail, snow.

Just because you work on Madison Avenue with the big chochkeys, you're no Don Draper. Don't buy a loft with wall-to-wall marble until your office looks twice as luxurious. Tomorrow you could find yourself laid off...dreaming up your own agency...

THATS IT!!!!

Perhaps it's time I applied some rules to my business (website coming soon!) just like the Facebook dudes. I hope Biggie has helped you on your merry way. So blast 'The 10 Crack Commandments' every morning for a little gangster direction. I already do.

Don't Neglect Your Woody

I feel terrible for neglecting Woody. And my blog for that matter! Unngh! Book reports are time consuming! As for the Woody, I'm talking about Woody Allen, so get your mind out of the gutter! One of my forever favourite books, Without Feathers, has been enough Woody to get me through the last 24 years but all euphemisms aside, I'm now yearning for more. Reading that is. C'mon guys...

Many years ago, this little yellow collection of stories was acquired by non recollectable means. (yes, I realize that's not a word but this writer doesn't give a care. Blogs have no rules, ok?) It is quite possible I accidentally stole this book from a friend, so for that I apologize. Can I repay you with contra?

After a quick (2 month) re-read , I've fallen back into a little fantasy. If by chance someday we meet, I firmly believe Mr. Allen and I would instantly become really, REALLY good friends. We'd be @replying photos of lazy dog bike-carriages every five minutes. I base this fantasy largely on a quote from the essay entitled 'On Frugality':

"Money is not everything, but it is better than having one's health. After all, one cannot go into a butcher shop and tell the butcher, 'Look at my great suntan, and besides I never catch colds,' and expect him to hand over any merchandise. (Unless, of course, the butcher is an idiot.)"

As writers, Woody and I both know that being self-employed is UNREAL although the health plan sucks. And by health plan, I mean eating Kraft Dinner at 5am hoping cancer doesn't strike before some agency is BRILLIANT enough to put me on salary. But of course the upside, we're both devilishly handsome on account of all the long walks, sunshine and lurrrve. I mean, look at the guy. If my husband looks that suave when we're all gray and wrinkled, I'll be one happy granny. (Aside, I'll likely be wearing the same style of clothes as I do now.)

In conclusion, rainbows don't pay the bills, but staying up all night drinking champagne, listening to Shadow Dancer with a certain someone, and watching Annie Hall is my definition of a life well-lived. Now I must get back to the neglecting other things. I leave you with a few favourite quotes & bite sized pieces of hilarious, food, folklore that's sprinkled with dry conversation topics.

• Using verbs like, "stymied"
• References to drowning a dwarf in gravy
• Decorating an apartment on a ventriloquist's salary
• Death
• More death
• Allusion to his agoraphobia & claustrophobia
• According to Woody, in folklore, when Loki attempts to locate the Snoll's graveyard he instead "chances upon some Rhine maidens bathing and somehow winds up with trichinosis"
• "The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion."
• "The magician said that in order to learn that trick, one must journey to the four corners of the earth, but that one should go in the off-season, as three of the corners are usually booked."
• "Actually, it was not so much the politics as the poetry of Marxist theory that got him. He was positive that collectivization could work if everyone would learn the lyrics to "Rag Mop."

Delivering the Bad News

Seventeen days riding due east across the Arizona flats and I've finally locked her in my sights. My dusty boots clomp through the saloon doors carrying such a heavy burden.

The swinging door squeaks open as I go over those few words I've rehearsed so many times over. I've got to say it right.

Her powdery skin is velvet under the dim bar light. It's been four months since I last laid eyes on her, pouring that cold beer for me on the night we left. If I was half the man I should be, i would have just found the money and got her out of this place.

She looks up from behind the bar, and her pale blue eyes light up like stars of the big dipper. The night before it happened, Bill and I stayed up late talking about her and staring at that same constellation. A man would be a fool not to love her like he did. But like I always said, fools always get what's comin' to them.

She recognizes me from under this cake of dirt. A shriek of delight escapes her lips and she runs toward me, but instantly realizes that i'm alone.

"Where is he? Where's..."

I remove my ten-gallon hat and hysteria sweeps over her. She screams and drops to her knees, sobbing. I slowly crouch down beside her. She's in my arms now.
Mine.

Jumping on the Lisztomania Bandwagon

I've left you all in a lurch for way too long.  I'm sure you're thinking, "Leanne, I honestly don't give a shit",  But I feel impelled to provide you with some rad barbecuing tracks as a placeholder for my next blog post. I'm no DJ, so there aren't any fancy transitions or, you know, mashups (?) and such.... 

Description:

It starts off with me in an apron holding a margarita whilst doing the cha-cha. After, it progresses to sunshine and optimistic

 flavoured lollypops. Then of course electro. My one true love. At the end of the mix it'll feel like it's 5am and the dj is throwing down oldies to appease the drugged out mid-life crisis guy in the corner. I think I saw that guy last night. Cut your god damn rat tail, ok? That thing has to be at least 2 meters long.

Ok, I'm starving now. Can someone please take me to Don's Deli? Seriously. 

download here

1. Oye Como Va - Santana

2. 2nd Movement - Part 2 (aka 'time' feat TES) - Krazy Baldhead

3. Kelly (Breakbot Remix) - Van She

4. Little Secrets - Passion Pit

5. Far Away (Hercules & Love Affair Remix) - Cut Copy

6. One in a Million (Tomboy Remix) - Data

7. Degradage - Thony Ritz ft. Cryda Luv'

8. Erreur Jean - Mr. Oizo ft. Error Smith

9. Invert (Parce que Edit) - Discodeine

10. Hey You - Pony Pony Run Run

11. Lisztomania (Classixx Version) - Phoenix

12. London Town - Man Like ME

13. What a Fool Believes - The Doobie Brothers

Douche Stereotypes

If you're sensitive to that word... you know, the 'D' word, this cartoon is probably not for you. Maybe just close this window. Actually, you should just ctrl-alt-delete me from your life because I'm putting profanity on the web 3.0 spec doc motherfuckers.

If not me, I think these people are: my new hero(s),(one man show?) 

 'transnationalblueblood' is taking ad humor to a cleansing new height. Pardon the pun, but these cartoons feel like my ironic parting gift from the industry. Taking the piss out of ad-stereotypes is easy enough, but if satan had sex with a 23-year-old female AE and spawned a kiss-ass derelict, this would be him. I imagine he'd work at an agency called, "Faykon Dreggler-Situs Group" or something of the like. 

And if you're not into bashing cheap consumers, full-of-themselves-copywriters, cave-dwelling flash dudes, or blog aficionados there's plenty of sarsaparilla to go around. (click the image below) In conclusion, as you may have already gathered, laughing at myself is one of my favourite pastimes.

To the lovely sunburned people:

Join me on this glorious morn for a homage pay-out to the finer things of yesterday. Large sunglasses, Don's Deli, science discussions, bare legs, L/C bike rides, french boys and beautiful music . All of this topped off with a slanted-balcony party. Word on the street is yesterday was incredible, but I do believe today will give it a nudge. Blast this pre-tour Mike B mix and forget you have to work tomorrow morning.

Speaking of work, I'm going to shift into shameless self-promotion mode. Quite often I link to my other fave artists, so I don't feel bad pumping my own tire for a second. I'm proud to say that yes, contrary to popular gossip I'm working tomorrow - but this time, not in a monkey suit. I'm rocking up for a meeting with beat up sneakers and most importantly I will NOT feel like killing myself when I walk in the door. Finally my roommate can stop hiding the Tylenol PM, rope, large knives and more than one dose of NyQuil.

Why you ask? Because I'm freeeeeeeeeee3e3e3e3e3! **Does cartwheel** Freelance that is. Whoever coined that term knew exactly wtf they were talking about. So long story short, Monday will be spent sitting at the Kings Head Pub, writing copy for their new website. I'm an annoying journalist at heart, so if you're getting sauced @ KHP tomz afternoon, I want your drunken VOX POPS.

Long story short, if you know of someone who'd like a slot in my suprisingly busy freelance writing schedule, please fb message or email (leannehavelock@gmail.com).

Now get your ass outside.

"The Dip", as it pertains to David Bowie.

I'm not talking about his graceful yet skeletal dance moves: 'The Dip' happens to be a thing. Bowie is also a thing, a kind of Minotaur-type thing, but we'll get to that later. The Dip is a book. (A little book that teaches you when to quit and when to stick.) It is also a new-fangaled noun coined by Mr. Seth Godin, the marketing guru of now. What is "The Dip" you ask? He says,

"It's the fifth job interview where they never even call you back.

It's the garage band playing to an empty club in the middle of nowhere.

It's the middle of the marathon, when the excitement of the starting gun is a dim memory, and the joy of the finish line is a distant dream.

It's any rough patch you have to get through before achieving your big goal... if in fact you're chasing the right goal."

So basically, it's a tough situation, but remember the most important part - it has a bright and shiny looking pay-off. Whether that pay-off is in sight or not, 'The Dip' happens when people start to question, doubt, and consider taking up that four-letter-word we've been taught to hate: 

QUIT.

Let us now delve into a nerdy metaphor: It's 1986. Jim Henson has just directed the stoner [yes stoner]/ childhood cinema classic, The Labyrinth starring the tight-panted one himself, David Bowie. A tale of fantasy a la Alice in Wonderland with a twisted pedophiliac twist.

ps. twist

**cue the song "Dance Magic Dance" 

Our heroine Sarah [Jennifer Connolly] is navigating a shape-shifty labyrinth to the castle where she must save her baby step-brother from the creepy goblin King [Bowie]. After a series of mini-successes, she falls into an 'Oubliette' - a place with no doors or exits. One the labyrinth dwellers, Hoggle, is inside this cavern of what seems to be doom.  He tries to deter her from reaching the castle, but she, the astute adventurer, knows that this is just 'The Dip' and says, "No! I'm not giving up now. I've come too far."

Sarah then climbs her way out of 'The Dip'. She rips the heads off some nonsensical muppets, tip toes around the bog of eternal stench whilst keeping her rad fairy gear tidy & clean. She even fights of a pretty harsh "poisoning" where creepiness is taken to a new level. [pictured above] In the end, she saves her step-brother.

Godin teaches us, if we have the perceptiveness to distinguish 'The Dip' it makes it easier to push through it. Sarah knew this was a worthy journey, and saving her brother was a success she couldn't give up on.

Even if your antagonist is David Bowie, there is always a way through 'The Dip'. This applies to careers, relationships, body-building, pretty much anything that is hard in life. 

But there must be situations when quitting is necessary? This must be true otherwise we'd all be dating our grade 9 boyfriend working at Burger King. Godin laments on those 'not-worth-it' situations he calls "Cul-de-sacs".  These are the soul-draining situations that are not worth wasting your breath on.  

Here are some 18+ words your mother would have never told you:

"You're astonishing. How dare you waste it. How dare you squander that resource by spreading it too thin.  How dare you settle for mediocre just because you're busy coping with too many things on your agenda, racing against the clock to get it all done.  The lesson is simple: If you've got as much as you've got, use it.  Use it to become the best in the world, to change the game, to set the agenda for everyone else.  You can only do that by marshaling all of your resources to get through the biggest possible Dip. In order to get through that Dip, you'll need to quit everything else.  If it's not going to put a dent in the world, quit. Right now. Quit and use that void to find the energy to assault the Dip that matters."

- Seth Godin